Telling your children about divorce is one of the hardest parenting moments you may face. Parents often worry about saying the “wrong” thing, sharing too much, or not saying enough. Sometimes, parents feel the urge to tell their children “the truth” about the divorce. This often includes information that is harmful to parent-child relationships or adds unnecessary burden to children’s lives. Clear, child-centered communication is one of the most protective factors for kids during family transition.
The good news? You don’t have to be perfect. And you don’t have to get it “all out” in one conversation. What children need most is clarity, regulated adults, and reassurance that they are not alone in this change.
Start With the Truth. Kid Content. Shared and Simple
Children benefit most when they hear the same core message from both parents, even if everything else feels uncertain. Divorce is confusing enough; conflicting stories increase anxiety and can pull kids into loyalty binds. When parents create loyalty binds, even unintentionally, children waste their developmental energy on worry, anxiety, anger, and confusion about who to blame or which side to choose. It can be tough enough being a kid and going through a family transition - they don’t need added burdens in their lives.
Instead of asking “what do I want to tell my kids?”, ask them “what do my kids need to hear that puts them first and helps them feel loved?”
This means:
- Use straightforward language (clear is kind, don’t beat around the bush about the divorce)
- Avoid adult details (too much burden on them, they are not meant to carry. Need more help on this? Check out our blog: “Do I tell my Kids the Truth About our Divorce?”)
- PAUSE. Don’t over-explain or justify (give them space and time to think and feel, don’t talk too much, let questions be child-led). Your kids' lives will be forever changed, and they don’t need justification or explanations - they need connection and to feel that you are in their pain with them and can co-regulate with them.
A child-centered starting point might sound like:
“We have decided that our family is going to change from one home to two homes. We will always be your parents, and we both love you.”
Or, “Mom and I / Dad and I have decided we are no longer going to be married. Our relationship with each other is going to change; we are getting a divorce. But our relationship with you will not change. We love you and will take care of you, you will see us both and we want you to continue to love us both, however you choose to, there is no need to choose, we both got you.”
This mirrors what research and experienced co-parenting and divorce professionals consistently emphasize: children need clarity about what is changing, and just as importantly, what is not. Long-standing research on child adjustment after divorce shows that when parents clearly explain upcoming changes and repeatedly reassure children about the stability of parental love, care, and connection, children cope better emotionally and developmentally. Guidance from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child highlights how predictable routines, clear communication, and stable relationships with caring adults buffer children from stress during major life transitions. It’s not the change itself that is most harmful, but the absence of clarity, consistency, and emotionally available adults during times of change.
Now here are your 4-Steps to Remember when Talking about Divorce with Kids:
Step 1: Frame the Story Without Blame
Even when the adult relationship is painful, children should not carry the emotional weight of that story. Kids don’t benefit from knowing the adult reasons why the relationship ended; they benefit from knowing how they will be cared for going forward.
Helpful framing sounds like:
“This is an adult decision. You did not cause it, and you cannot fix it. It can feel overwhelming and unfair that adults make decisions that deeply affect you, and I want you to know I see that. I will do my best to hear your wishes and what you need in all of this.”
What to avoid:
- Blaming language
- Sharing betrayal details
- Casting one parent as the “problem.”
Children experience both parents as part of themselves. When one parent is attacked, kids often feel internally divided. Protecting them from that burden is a profound act of care.
Step 2: Reassure What Will Stay the Same
One of the most common fears children carry (even if they don’t say it out loud) is:
“Will I still be safe, loved, and taken care of? How much is my life going to change? Can I still see all my friends even if I have two homes?”
Children need repeated reassurance about:
- Ongoing love from both parents
- Continued routines (school, friends, activities)
- Stable caregiving across two homes
You don’t need all the answers yet. It’s okay to say:
“We’re still figuring some things out, and what we do know is that you will have a home with each of us, and we will work together to parent you and make sure your needs are met.”
You can keep it simple too, saying something like: “What we know will change is (have two homes in the future, your parents won’t be together anymore as a married couple. What we know won’t change is (your relationship with each of us, your routines and school, your time with your sister/brother, etc.)
Step 3: Keep Adult Issues in the Adult Lane
Children are naturally curious and may ask questions that feel uncomfortable or premature. When this happens, it’s okay, and healthy, to set boundaries.
A helpful rule of thumb:
- Children need accurate information
- They do not need adult intimacy detail
- Less is more when introducing a big change, let them lead with the questions that have verses filling the silence with more details and talking.
If you don’t know an answer yet, say so.
If the question crosses into adult territory, gently redirect and name it: “That’s adult stuff, and I want you to focus on kids' stuff, so I am not going to share that with you.”
This teaches children that:
- Adults are responsible for adult decisions
- Kids are free to remain kids
Need more clarity? Check out our free resource guide, 8 Tough Questions Kids Ask about Divorce, Separation, or Restructuring
Step 4: Name the Feelings You See
Children often don’t yet have the language to describe their emotional world. One of the most powerful things you can do is name what you observe without interpreting or fixing it.
For example:
- “You look really sad. Of course you are, this is big news.”
- “This seems confusing, and sometimes confusion feels scary.”
- “I notice you’re quiet right now. I know this is a lot to hear, and it’s unexpected.”
This kind of emotional naming helps children feel seen and understood. It also teaches a lifelong skill: emotions are allowed, manageable, and safe to talk about.
Karen Bonnell, one of the most respected co-parenting experts in the field, consistently emphasizes the importance of putting kids first during divorce. In her work, she highlights the delicate balance parents must hold between honoring their own grief and staying emotionally available for their children. Children don’t need parents to fix or take away their feelings, what they need are parents who can remain steady, regulated, and present in the midst of those emotions.
Step 5 If you need it: If You’ve Already Said Too Much, or Too Little, You Can Repair
Many parents worry that they’ve “messed this up.” Here’s the truth: repair matters more than perfection.
You can always come back and say:
“I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I want to clarify something.”
Or, “I know I wasn’t at my best when mom/dad and I first separated, I know you saw me (hurt, angry, freaking out) and you deserve the chance to have a loving conversation where your needs are put first. I am sorry how I responded (or didn’t talk with you), and I want to clarify some things about mom/dad and me not being married anymore.”
Children are remarkably resilient when parents model accountability, clarity, and care. A thoughtful re-do can actually strengthen trust.
The Big Picture: Divorce Is a Family Change, Not a Family Failure
Divorce ends an intimate partnership, not a child’s family.
When parents:
- Manage their emotions
- Reduce conflict
- Communicate clearly
- Stay child-centered
…children can move through this transition with support, care, and healing.
Want More Support?
If you’re preparing to talk with your children, or want help repairing a conversation that didn’t land well, Parent Team’s Parenting From Two Homes resources and courses offer practical, step-by-step guidance rooted in evidence-based practices in attachment, child development, and 23+ years of real-world co-parenting experience.
You don’t have to do this perfectly.
You just have to keep your kids out of the middle, and at the center of care.
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